


Exhaustion

by 852_Prospect_Archivist



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Angst, Crossovers: Highlander, Drama, M/M, Multiple Partners, crossovers, h/c
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 02:49:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/793200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/852_Prospect_Archivist/pseuds/852_Prospect_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim hits bottom and tells Blair the truth.<br/>This story is a sequel to I Saw You Die.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Exhaustion

## Exhaustion

by Mia Athlas

Disclaimer: The characters used here, sadly, do not belong to me. They are the property of Pet Fly and UPN. I have received no monetary reward, I do it simply for fun. 

Contains m/m sex. If you are under 18, do not read this. 

Warnings: First time try at a threesome of sorts :) Crossover with Highlander (Methos only) though it is mainly J/B. 

Notes: This one is for my hard working beta reader Wolfling. She read my first crossover "I Saw You Die" (which shall henceforth be called pre-slash) and immediately demanded, cajoled, and asked very nicely if I would write a slash sequel...well here it is :) I aim to please. 

Thanks to Wolfling and Ozy who beta read this for me. 

* * *

Exhaustion  
by Mia Athlas 

Jim came awake slowly. He felt a light touch brush his aching cock. Drawing in a deep breath he struggled back to awareness. A hot breath touched his erection, circling downward. He opened his eyes and focused on the form at his feet. Short dark hair came into view as the head bobbed down, his tongue leaving a trail of heat as it traced a bulging vein on Jim's erect cock. He gasped and arched his back with the sensation. The man raised his head staring into the Sentinel's eyes for a moment. 

"You're awake then," the voice teased. Jim gaped at the man before him. "Inquani? What are you doing?" he stammered, fighting to keep his arousal under control. 

The immortal grinned up at him. "What does it feel like I'm doing...oh, and it's Methos now Jim. That's my real name after all." He dove back down engulfing the Sentinel's erection in one motion. Jim grunted at the unexpected sensation. His mind flew back to their time in the jungle, remembering many nights spent with his cock buried in this man's throat or ass. He groaned loudly as the memories flooded his senses and his erection swelled even more. Suddenly the sensation was gone. 

Jim's eyes flew open as the cool air touched his tender flesh. Methos crawled up the bed, seeming to hover over the Sentinel's body as he moved. His eyes captured Jim's in a locked gaze and he closed the distance between their lips quickly. Jim's mouth opened of its own accord as he accepted his old lover's kiss. He felt like he was coming home. The taste of this man, the texture of his mouth were familiar, comforting, exciting. He gave himself over to the sensation, surrendering his body to the lithe man above him. Willing to once again share his body, wishing that he could share more...but knowing that was not to be. 

Jim sighed as he felt Methos end the kiss and trace his lips with his tongue. The immortal rolled a nipple between his fingers as he sucked an earlobe into his mouth. Jim felt his nipples harden in response to the stimulation. 

Finally recovered from his shock the Sentinel ran his hands down the warm back of his lover, rubbing and kneading the skin from shoulders to buttocks. He grasped the immortal's buttocks and squeezed revelling in the gasp of pleasure that he both heard and felt against his nipple. Pulling the cheeks apart, he lightly stroking the crevice, his fingers gliding gently over the tiny opening. The man moaned again and thrust his hips forward, his cock sliding along Jim's. The Sentinel pushed his hips up to meet the thrust and cried out in pleasure. 

"What's going on here?" 

Jim whipped his head around at the angry voice coming from the top of the stairs. Blair. He felt his erection fade in embarrassment and shame. The young man stared at them entwined on the bed. Groins pressed together, bodies glistening with the sweat of their exertions. Jim closed his eyes. Blair glared at Methos and took a step forward. 

"What do you think you're doing?" 

Methos smirked. "Reclaiming what's mine. I didn't think you'd care." The immortal ground his still erect cock against Jim's groin to emphasize his point. Blair took another step forward. "I mind Pierson, or Methos...or whatever you call yourself. He's mine now -- you lost your claim on him when you let him believe you were dead," Blair snarled at the immortal. 

"Looks like he's all mine to me Sandburg." Methos leaned in and claimed Jim's lips in a hard demanding kiss, then drew back to look at Blair mockingly. "Unless you'd care to stake a claim?" He laughed at Blair's shocked expression. Jim felt himself begin to harden once more at the thought. Methos noticed the reaction and rolled to the side, exposing Jim's excitement to the young man. 

"I think Jim here likes the idea. Well, at least there is one part of him that does." Methos looked at Blair, the challenge obvious. Blair's eyes fastened on his partner's quickly growing erection and to Jim's surprise...licked his lips. The older man followed the motion hungerly. 

"Time to put out or get out Blair. What's it going to be?" Methos whispered the words huskily. 

Blair's eyes were fastened on the aroused, naked men before him and his hands began unbuttoning his shirt. He slowly undid each button then pushed the garment off his shoulders. Jim's eyes were riveted to the scene before him. Methos caressed and kissed his back and ass as he lay on his side watching his guide slowly remove his clothing. He couldn't have torn his eyes away if the building were on fire and the hands and lips moving across his skin made him shudder and moan with excitement. 

Finally Blair was naked, his erection standing out from his body. Jim spoke finally. 

"Blair. I...." He stopped as his partner stepped forward, leaned down and quickly took his mouth in a passionate kiss. Blair pulled back slightly, speaking in hushed tones. 

"The time for talking is over man. I'm going to prove to you that you belong to me. Methos is your past...I am your future." Blair climbed onto the bed with the two men and wrapped himself around his partner's large form, moulding himself to his body and claimed his mouth in another breathtaking kiss. 

They kissed hard and fast as they felt Methos stroking, kneading and caressing their bodies. The immortal knelt beside the entwined men, a hand resting on each of their asses. He ran his hands over their cheeks dipping into the crevices between. 

Jim thrust helplessly against Blair's groin. Their cocks pressed together as they lay on their sides facing each other, their mouths engaged in exploring each other fully. He felt a cold slippery finger press against his anus and gasped at the sudden intrusion as it pushed into him. Jim opened his eyes and took in the sight of Methos crouched beside them, lubed finger in his ass and his other hand busily working into Blair's ass. Jim arched his back and thrust harder against his partner, moaning. 

"Do it Methos...deeper. I love it Blair...do Blair...I love to watch your fingers in his ass." Jim gasped out the words. He heard Blair groaning steadily now, his face buried against Jim's neck, lips sucking, biting gently. Methos thrust with his fingers steadily going deeper and deeper. He added a second finger to both men. Jim cried out as the fingers rubbed across his prostate and felt Blair's body spasm at the same time. The sentinel reached down and grasped the immortal's erection in one hand squeezing and stroking. He didn't want Methos to be left behind. Jim gasped as the fingers stroked his prostate again and again, he thrust madly against Blair and back onto the fingers. Blair thrust hard against Jim and cried out. As hot fluid warmed his cock Jim could not hold back any longer, he came explosively and collapsed back onto the bed. 

As Jim came down from his orgasm he pulled Blair close. He barely noticed that Methos was gone. The young man nuzzled against his chest for a moment before lifting his head, focusing warm and sated eyes on his face. Jim turned his hearing up to capture the whispered words. 

"You're mine now big guy." Jim swallowed at the sudden constriction in his throat and nodded in agreement. His heart melted as Blair smiled at him. " I don't want there to be any mistake in how I feel about you Jim...I l..." 

Jim woke up with a start. He felt the semen hot and wet in his boxers. He looked around confused for a moment before realizing that it had all been a dream. He put his hands over his face and groaned. Closing his eyes again, he tried to reclaim the dream, desperately needing to hear the words even if it was only a fantasy. After a couple of minutes he sighed and reopened his eyes. It was no use. 

As Jim pulled himself out of bed to take care of his sodden boxer shorts he glanced at the clock. 4 am. He felt tired but knew that he would never get back to sleep. The dream had stirred up too many old feelings that he wanted to forget. Damn Methos. Why did he have to come back and make him remember? He was happy here with Sandburg as things were. He had been able to push his time in Peru so deep that he didn't have to remember, so that he could escape the things that were hard to remember. Now the memories were back with a vengeance. 

In the month since Methos had once again disappeared Jim had been plagued by dreams every night. Nightmares of the crash and the loss of his men in Peru...and Methos, or dreams like the one he just had. In the beginning he had welcomed the dreams...a happy change from the nightmares...but now...he was beginning to think that he preferred the nightmares. The "other" dreams left him shaken...filled with an intense sense of loss when he awoke, a longing that was better left untouched and an overwhelming guilt. He had lied to his partner. Well not 'lied' exactly. He just hadn't been completely forthcoming about the nature of his relationship with Methos -- why his supposed death had hit him so hard and what he had done.. 

Jim climbed into the shower and leaned his forehead against the wall, letting the pressure of the water pound against his back. He needed to tell Blair, to tell him everything, then maybe he could get past the dreams. 

He stood in the shower, lost in his thoughts, trying to figure out how to tell his partner in such a way that the younger man wouldn't feel uncomfortable around him. He vaguely noticed the water turning colder but ignored it, turning his sense of touch down gradually to compensate. Letting the world fade, he concentrated on his task. 

Blair woke as Jim started the shower. He fumbled for his glasses then glanced at the clock. Rolling his eyes at the early hour he pulled himself up from the bed. Enough was enough. He had tried to give Jim space. He knew that rediscovering the traumatic memories surrounding the death of his men in Peru had shaken Jim badly. He also knew that Jim felt he needed to deal with emotional issues in his own way -- but this was ridiculous. Jim wasn't sleeping. He had heard him cry out in his sleep many times and watched him end up pacing in the living room or standing on the balcony for hours. When he had approached him, Jim had asked that he leave it alone... give him time. Blair had been startled by the unfamiliar look of pleading in the big man's eyes and had backed off. 

They couldn't continue like this. He would have to make Jim talk to someone...if not him then Simon or a professional. Blair ignored the twinge of pain he felt at the thought of Jim confiding in someone other than himself. He trudged to the kitchen to put on coffee and wait. With a steaming cup of coffee in hand he settled down on the couch with an anthropology text. Thirty minutes later Blair looked up from the book and realised that the shower was still running. 

He stood and headed for the bathroom. The water would have long since turned ice cold. What was Jim doing? Blair knocked on the door lightly. 

"Jim? Are you okay man?" No answer. He turned the knob and was pleasantly surprised to see it was unlocked. Stepping into the room, his eyes found his partner. Jim was standing under the freezing spray in the shower, forehead resting on the tiles against the wall. Blair paused for a moment, mesmerized by the exquisite naked form of his best friend and partner. Water ran in rivulets down the older man's back and across his buttocks, before making its way to the tub. 

Blair snapped out of it as he realised that his partner wasn't responding to his presence in the bathroom. He quickly walked over to him and leaned over to turn off the water, amazed as he felt a jolt of desire wash through his body as his arm brushed Jim's thigh. Unable to stop himself he glanced over at Jim's groin and gasped in surprise as he found himself looking directly at his partner's fully erect cock. Blair straightened up and stumbled back from the tub, trying to calm down. 

"Okay, this is not helping, get yourself together Sandburg," Blair whispered to himself. He cautiously stepped back over to the tub, keeping his eyes above waist level. He began speaking to the Sentinel in soft tones, urging him to come back. After a short while he realised that words alone weren't going to do the trick. He climbed into the bathtub behind the large form of his partner and, placing a hand flat against Jim's back, began to rub the cold skin in small circles, all the while continuing his monologue. Still no response. 

"Okay big guy what is it you need in order to make your way back to me?" Blair looked around, then the answer became obvious. Warmth. Jim's body was freezing; if he could warm him up then hopefully he would feel safe enough to return from wherever his mind was. Blair reached for a soft fluffy towel and wrapped it around his partner. First he had to get him dry. 

Blair began drying Jim, starting with his back, smoothing the towel over his damp skin, rubbing briskly. The young man tried to ignore his own growing erection as he rubbed the towel against the hard body of his partner. He reached around Jim and awkwardly began drying his chest and stomach. Blair gasped as the back of his hand accidently brushed Jim's nipple. He continued to run the towel across the older man's hard stomach as his right hand wandered up the cold naked skin of his partner's chest...just to make sure he was dry since he couldn't see around Jim as the older man faced the wall...at least that's what Blair told himself. His hand found it way back to the Sentinel's nipple that he had accidently brushed moments ago. He ran his finger lightly over the small nub, pulling away abruptly as it hardened beneath his fingers. 

Blair stepped back for a moment, chastising himself for taking advantage of his partner's unaware state and hating himself for wishing that he could do more. 'Jim would never know. He never remembered anything when he was zoned out.' Blair gasped at the disloyal thought...he would never do that to Jim. He grabbed the towel and finished drying his partner quickly, pausing only when he ran the soft towel against Jim's groin and buttocks. Well he wasn't doing anything...just making sure he was dry. Regardless of this, Blair felt his own erection surge at the intimate contact with Jim. 

When his partner was finally dry, Blair jumped out of the tub and ran to his room, returning moments later with his favorite comforter. He wrapped the blanket around the zoned man and with the protection of the blanket between them pressed himself against Jim's back, speaking urgently to the older man. Finally, he heard Jim draw in a deep breath and felt the tremors start in his body as he finally felt the cold. 

"W--wha...what's--s, go'in on S--Sandburg..." Jim's voice shook with his body. Blair held on tighter for a minute. 

"It's okay Jim, you just had a bit of a zone out." 

Jim looked down and realised he was standing in the tub--Blair pressed up against his back. He felt his shaking subside as the warmth of the blanket and his partner surrounded him. Jim felt his face grow hot with embarrassment. 

"Ah, Blair? You can let go now." Jim stepped out of the tub as Blair pulled away. "I think I'll go crawl into bed and try to warm up." The sentinel backed away from his partner then more or less ran up the stairs. 

Blair stared after Jim and sighed. Typical. He couldn't run away forever. He and Jim were going to have to figure out what was wrong. Blair headed for his room. He would confront Jim tomorrow, after he had given him time to recover from his zone out and his embarrassment at reawakening in the bathtub as he did. 

* * *

The young man decided to stay awake. It was already almost five am. He had to get up in a couple of hours anyway and he was too wound up to sleep. He grabbed his laptop and books and settled down on the couch to get some work done till it was time to start breakfast. 

An hour later he was disturbed by sounds of distress coming from upstairs. Blair jumped up and headed for Jim's room. Another nightmare. It seemed to be happening every night. Blair paused before going up the last few stairs, not wanting to invade his partner's privacy. 

"Jim?" He called out. He heard the older man moan and whisper one word..."Please." He tried again, calling out louder, "Jim, wake up man." The moaning abruptly stopped and his partner called out hesitantly. 

"Blair?" 

"You okay big guy?" Jim's eyes sprang open as Blair stepped into his room. He was thankful for the sheet which covered his little problem. 

"I'm fine Blair, go to bed." Jim met his partner's eyes trying to keep his expression neutral. Blair studied him for a moment. 

"It sounded like you were having a nightmare. Are you sure I can't get you something?" Jim sighed trying to make it sound like exasperation not desperation. 

"I'm fine Sandburg. I just had a bad dream that's all. Now go back to bed." Blair didn't look convinced but reluctantly moved back toward the stairs. 

"Okay Jim I'm going. But if you need anything I'm just downstairs." 

"All right already Chief. Goodnight." Jim breathed a sigh of relief as Blair turned and headed back down the stairs. He rubbed his face with his hands then stood up to move to the bathroom to clean up. He couldn't believe it...twice in one night. Blair almost walked in on him. Jim shuddered and wrapped his robe around himself to hide the telltale wetness and headed for the bathroom wondering how he was ever going to survive the dreams. 

The phone rang as he exited the bathroom. He avoided Blair's concerned gaze and hurried to pick it up...relieved to be saved from having to discuss things with his partner. He knew he couldn't avoid it forever but right now he didn't feel up to it. He listened as Simon explained the details of an urgent case to him. He had to go to the site immediately. Jim was grateful for the distraction and after filling his partner in he hurried off to dress. 

Jim seemed relieved when Blair explained that due to his morning class he would have to meet him at the station later. The young man sadly watched the door shut after the sentinel. One thought crossed his mind. 'Keep running Jim...sooner or later you will have to stop. When you do...I'll still be here.' 

* * *

Jim trudged up the stairs to the loft, just happy to be home. He was exhausted. This last case had been difficult, both physically and mentally. He felt drained...beaten. It never seemed to matter how many criminals he caught, how many murderers, drug dealers, rapists and thieves he put in jail, there was always another waiting to take their place. It felt as if he was making no progress, nothing changed. Everyday he was handed another of a long line of cases which could be interchangeable. All individual in their horror, all the same in their motives. Greed, power, hate, jealousy. Endless. 

"Why do I do it?" Jim spoke quietly to the empty hallway. He knew the answer, truly. The alternative was far worse. Someone needed to take a stand. He had chosen this life. He had chosen to try to hold back the tide of violence...to keep his city from harm. 

"And what have I accomplished?" Jim pulled out his keys. A drop in the bucket. Catching the killer after he had killed. The deed was done. Nothing could bring the little girl back. He leaned his head against the doorjamb, his keys in the lock. Closing his eyes, he felt a wave of remorse and grief pass through him. The cries of her family. Her mother and father screaming at him for not saving her. Their only daughter...his fault. If he had of put the pieces together an hour earlier, he could have saved her. If he hadn't been preoccupied maybe he would have. He felt as if exhaustion and sleep were his enemy. If he had more time, he could do... more...save more. 

His thoughts swirled around him, stealing the peace he needed to heal. To regain his objectivity -- his distance. It was this distance that kept him sane, which allowed him to continue to do his duty. He hadn't slept in 36 hours, ever since the girl was discovered missing. Jim felt the door open and looked down into the worried eyes of his partner. 

"Jim? What's going on man?" Blair grasped his arm and drew him into the loft, closing the door behind him. "You look like hell. Talk to me, Jim." He allowed himself to be divested of his coat and pulled over to the sofa, gratefully sinking into the soft cushions. His body felt heavy, hard to move. His arms were leaden, his mind detached. 

"What am I going to do?" Jim whispered the words, more to himself than to the young man sitting close beside him. Blair's eyes widened in dismay. 

"Jim, come on, big guy. Let me help. Did something happen on the case today? Tell me what's wrong? I knew I should have come in with you, I could have found someone to give my exam." 

Jim looked over at his guide, his eyes defeated. "I can't do this anymore, Chief." 

"Do what, Jim?" Blair placed his hand lightly on his partner's thigh, needing the contact. 

Jim leaned back and closed his eyes. "How much am I expected to handle? How much death, mutilation... evil, before it's too much? I don't know if I can do it anymore Blair." 

Blair examined his partner. He saw the exhaustion in his features, the dark circles under his eyes. "How long since you've slept Jim?" 

"I don't remember exactly. Yesterday, the day before maybe. For all the good it did me, or that...girl. Maybe if I had slept instead of pushing myself I could have found them." Jim gasped with the thought. "Maybe my senses were so dulled that I missed something that could have saved her." He felt a familiar rush of self revulsion course through him. "What if it 'is' my fault?" Jim looked at his partner, fear plain in his eyes. 

Blair stood and gently pulled Jim to his feet. "You need sleep big guy. Things will look differently in the morning, I promise. I know without a doubt that you did everything humanly possible." Jim started to shake his head...wanting to tell Blair the truth. Blair held up a hand to stop him. "No, Jim. Tomorrow I'll argue with you about it. Right now you need to go to bed, okay?" The bigger man nodded wearily, he was so tired. 

Blair pushed Jim in the direction of the stairs, his heart aching for his friend. The older man took each step as if he could barely stand to put one foot in front of the other. Blair was concerned. He had never seen his roommate so defeated. He knew that Jim had been struggling the last few months...especially since Methos had reappeared only to disappear once more. Trying to deal with long suppressed memories combined with the demands of his job as a police officer and as a Sentinel would leave anyone feeling run down. Blair prepared some tea and waited long enough to give Jim time to climb into bed before walking up the stairs. 

"Jim?" Blair called out, not wanting to startle the man. 

"Yeah," came the tired reply. The young man continued up the stairs. Jim was in bed with a blanket pulled up to his waist. Blair couldn't help the little twinge of desire he felt as he looked at the broad chest. He held out the cup to his partner. 

"Here, Jim. Maybe this will help you relax." The older man accepted the tea and sipped it carefully. 

"Thanks, Chief." 

Blair sat on the edge of the bed, ready to move if his partner objected. "Want to talk about it Jim? I mean...not just about the case but about what's been going on with you since Methos left." Jim sat silently for a moment, considering the offer. 

"No, Chief, I think I'll just try to sleep, okay?" 

"But that's just it, Jim, you haven't been sleeping." 

Jim sighed. He might have known it would be useless to try to keep anything from Blair. Exhaustion clouded his mind and the words were out of his mouth before he could stop them. 

"I lied to you, Blair." 

Blair looked down at Jim in surprise. "Lied to me about what, Jim?" 

"About Peru...what happened there after the crash...Methos." 

Blair felt his heart rate quicken. "Do you want to tell me the truth now?" 

"Yes...no...I want to tell you but I don't want to have to be here when I do." 

Blair looked at Jim thoughtfully for a moment, uncertain if he wanted to hear what Jim had to say. Nah...it couldn't possibly be as bad as Jim thought. Surely it was just his lack of sleep talking. 

"Listen, Jim, you're exhausted. When a body goes so long with so little sleep things get magnified. Whatever it is, it's not as bad as you think. Believe me." 

* * *

"What if it is?" Jim whispered. 

"Then I'll help you. Don't ever doubt that, big guy. You're the best friend I've ever had. Whatever you want to tell me...it won't change that. We'll work it out...okay?" 

Jim finally opened his eyes and looked at Blair as if trying to judge the truth of that statement. He let his eyes fall shut again, his decision made. It would come out eventually anyway, he knew that sooner or later he would have to talk to Blair about it. It might as well be sooner. He couldn't look at his partner. Couldn't bear to see the change in the way the young man looked at him once he knew. Blair would try to keep his word but...he was just so idealistic, untarnished...there was no way he would understand. Hell, he wasn't even sure he understood. But maybe...just maybe...if he told Blair, the guilt and the dreams would ease a bit. 

Blair reached over and took Jim's hand in his, uncertain whether or not his friend had fallen asleep. At the contact, he felt his partner's big frame shudder hard enough to shake the bed. It seemed to be all that he needed to prompt him to start. 

"When Methos died...when I thought that Methos had died, I went a little crazy." Jim opened his eyes for a moment. "You have to understand, Chief..." The eyes closed again and Blair had to strain to hear the words. "He was the first person I ever truly loved." The words didn't seem to faze the young man and Jim knew that Blair didn't understand. Opening his eyes again he stared directly at Blair. "He was my first --and so far only-- male lover. I loved him, made love with him." 

Blair blinked, wide eyed but otherwise showed no reaction to that bit of news. Jim sighed and closed his eyes. "That was the reason his death hit me so hard. I had been drawn to him immediately. It captured us like a whirlwind. I went from straight as an arrow Captain Ellison to having a male lover in literally a month. He touched something in me that no one had ever come close to before." Jim didn't notice the look of pain that crossed Blair's face at his words. "There was something about him... sensual... erotic... he wasn't like anyone I had ever met before. I would have died for him in a heartbeat... instead -- he died for me." 

Jim's brow creased and he clenched his jaw tightly willing the painful memory away. Methos was alive. He hadn't really died. "I know, now, that he didn't really die but to me it still seems like he did -- or maybe I did. I'm a different person now. The young man who loved him is gone. When I saw him again I felt shock, fear, anger... but not love. What does that mean Blair? Does it mean that I was just fooling myself? That I murdered his killer for a false love? I can't even comfort myself with the fact that I did it to avenge the murder of my one true love. I killed the man and Methos wasn't even dead." Jim's voice broke as he reached the apex of his confession. 

Blair's mind fought to keep up with the revelations. What was Jim telling him here? He looked down at his friend. Jim had fallen silent, his jaw clenched. He looked as if he expected Blair to hate him. Blair sighed. 

"Jim, you've got to look at me, man." Blair waited until the big man had opened his eyes and was watching him warily. "Can we back-up here for a minute?" Jim stayed silent. "Why didn't you tell me about you and Methos?" Blair really wanted to understand why his partner had kept this from him. It hurt him to think that his partner didn't trust him. 

Jim looked at Blair, the dark circles under his eyes seeming even more pronounced in the dim light. "I didn't know how to tell you. Everything happened so fast. I was trying to process my returning memories, Chief. I honestly didn't remember before that. God, what's wrong with me?" Jim pulled his hand away from the young man and covered his face. Blair grabbed his partner's hand again and held it between his own. 

"It's okay, Jim, I'm not mad. I know how hard this has been for you. I'm not thrilled that you didn't tell me when you remembered but I understand. So much was happening." Blair paused. "What I don't understand is why you haven't told me since then... you've had plenty of opportunities?" 

"I couldn't Blair. I thought that it would raise too many questions in your mind." 

"Like what Jim?" 

"Like why I let you move in here. Like how I felt about you, what others would think." 

Blair took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I don't care what others think. How do you feel about me?" 

Jim stayed silent for a moment then answered. "Before we talk about that, I need to tell you the rest." 

"About the man you killed?" 

"Yes...about the man I...murdered." Jim took a shaky breath and squeezed Blair's hand, assuring himself of his friend's presence. "I was overcome by rage Chief...I don't remember exactly what happened but the next thing I knew I was in the rival tribe's village. It was night, the village was quiet. I had obviously slipped by their sentries with no problem. At the time, I was acting completely on instinct. I had scented the man who had led the attack and who had killed Methos and I followed that scent. I found him, we fought briefly, then I killed him and slipped back out into the darkness. Later I told myself that I was protecting the tribe. They needed a swift and severe retaliation to show their strength. Now, I'm not so sure. All I remember is the rage...then I was tracking him." Jim stopped his monologue and went quiet. 

Blair squeezed his partner's hand. "You said you fought with the man. What happened?" 

Jim closed his eyes concentrating. With his guide there, he finally dared to examine the memories. "I found him alone outside of the village. I asked him why. That's it, one word 'why?' When he heard my voice he spun and attacked. I reacted and a minute later he was dead." 

Blair spoke quietly to the distraught man. "Jim...I can't tell you if what you did then was right or wrong, but I believe that you would never have gone through with killing him if you hadn't been defending yourself...remember Quinn. You wanted to kill him right?" 

"Yes...but Simon stopped me...I might have done it, Blair." 

"Did Simon restrain you then?" 

"No." 

"Do you think that he would have supported you?" 

Jim opened his eyes and looked seriously at Blair. "I'm not sure...I think he might have." 

"Jim, you have to let this go. You can't let past regrets tear you up like this. Ever since the memories have come back you haven't slept... you're not eating right... something has to give... something has to change." 

"I know, Blair, but I don't know what to do. I hear what you say but in my mind I know that I went there to kill him." 

Blair leaned forward and put his chin down on their folded hands. "Ah, Jim. I wish that you could have the faith in yourself that I have in you. I know -- I know without a doubt that you would never kill anyone in cold blood...that isn't what happened here." Blair looked into Jim's confused eyes an idea forming. Jim saw the look and recognized it. 

"What?" 

"You know Jim...I think that your reaction to your 'mate's' death and your sentinel abilities are closely tied together." Blair struggled not to react to the term 'mate'. "We need to examine the your reactions leading up to and following the event." Blair jumped up and started pacing. "You know this is probably all tied into you being a sentinel. You say you don't remember the hunt...maybe you were in some sort of fugue state...then you find yourself in front of this guy and Wham!! You have to defend yourself." 

Jim smiled a bit, then felt it fade. "Blair...I don't know...it sounds like an excuse to me. I can't blame everything on being a sentinel. There comes a point where I have to take responsibility for my own actions regardless of the reasons behind them." 

"I know, Jim." Blair settled back down beside his friend. "But before you go condemning yourself let's get all the facts in line -- okay?" 

Jim smiled tiredly up at his partner. "Okay, Chief...I can do that." 

Blair grinned at the older man. "Great, man." 

Jim grabbed his hand and held it tight. "Thanks Blair...for...well... for everything." The sentinel closed his eyes and felt himself drifting off to sleep, not relinquishing his hold on the young man's hand. 

Blair smiled and carefully stretched out beside his friend. Maybe his presence would help keep the demons at bay so that Jim could get the rest he so desperately needed. 

"Blair?" Jim whispered already half asleep. 

"Go to sleep big guy...I'll be here in the morning." Blair felt his partner gather him close against his body and settle in to sleep. 

"Love you, Blair..." The big man sighed as he slipped away. 

Blair stared at the older man in surprise. Jim loved him. He felt a tingle begin in his chest and spread throughout his body. Jim --loved -- him. He found himself grinning like a fool as the idea sunk in. While uncertain of what the morning would bring, Blair was amazed to discover that he was sure of one thing. With his eyes shining, he put his arms around the sentinel and whispered, "I love you too, Jim." 

Jim heard the words in his dream-- finally-- and smiled. 

End 

Feedback would be nice :) Let me know what you think. 

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End Exhaustion. 


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